Wednesday, January 7, 2015

de sired

she says she wants me. that's what i'm told to focus on so i do.

walking down the street i say to myself with a smile she wants me. every side glance in any reflective surface i stop dead to look inside my own burning eyes to say she wants me.

soon im skipping then im shouting. depserate to make it tangible i grab a passerby and say she wants me she wants me she wants me and not you. i write it on a post it and stick it to the fridge taking up one inch of space and in the coming weeks leaving only one inch of space left in my entire aprtment it's not written she wants me.

sometime last week i heard she died. it was sudden and accidental. i attended her funeral but sat in the way way way way back. i say i went to school with her once. i rented a suit and tie. i couldn't wait to see her again. putting bullets in the gun one by one, our very first date, i thought.

she told me she wants me. thats what im told to focus on so i do.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Decay

It has been a mightily tumultuous year and it took an exhaustive brush with death for me to realize who and what is important in my life.
At the top is myself.
I've had to let a lot go. People, situations, and things that are not helpful or healing to me and who I am now.
I look forward to working on myself and enjoying whatever power I have over myself now, understanding that I have no power over the decay that surrounds me.
Everyday I'm getting stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually and it's my primary job to ensure that evolution continues.
No flufferfuckers about it. It's my job to hit the pavement, get places on time, go to therapy, to government offices, perform shows, and to be present in all of it.
And I intend to be present for everything, EVERYTHING, in-between.

Suffer For Your Supper

The wind kept coming back. There was bird shit on the door, spattered through the screen, a single letter, and a lonely doorknob leading to a borrowed space.

These were lean times. The cupboard was a skeleton space slowly disappearing in the beaks of the three vultures resting inside.

Three vultures in the same nest living as strangers, always mindful but cruel. Two liked to flap but one liked to sit.

Often she would perch on a wire, squawking through her broken beak and watching with wanton eyes. She garnered a lot of attention, sometimes in wonder, and sometimes she made them laugh at the sound her odd squawk.

She believes in the solemn moon of the night. She spreads her wings and sings its praises as modest prayers to end her pain and hunger.

Flying through the shit-splattered door in the early morning, she folds herself into the nest, waiting to see a sign, a whisper from the man in the moon.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Haters Gonna Like Something Else

It used to be somewhat inspirational and triumphant, hearing people shut down the haters. It felt good, it felt like perhaps we could claim that power for ourselves and endure our visions up against the harshest critic....and we have. The internuts is full of people posting on personal blogs and Facebook updates: "Haters gonna hate!' "Haters tryin' to stop me but they can't!". Now is the time to let it go. It is said that if you don't have haters you aren't doing it right, but whatever happened to connecting to people? Whatever happened to wanting to be appreciated even if in some small way by all? Now, I am in no way saying to be an inauthentic self but instead of viewing others as "haters" perhaps consider they don't see you at all, consider that they just like something else, consider they are just too into themselves. Don't follow suit by trying to bring self-importance to other people disliking you. A lot of people dislike you. A lot of people dislike me. It's a large world and it would be insanely naive to think that everyone is gonna like you. Sometimes I don't like what someone does but can appreciate their hard work, and hold on to that. Like all of you I do much that doesn't get recognized, but I recognize myself and work hard to hold true to my vision all the while re-evaluating and honing it's execution. It's important to focus on you and your hard work, and not give too much weight to dissenters, even if just to vaguely put them down. As for me, I don't have haters...just late adopters. ;)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Death, Loss, And Ego

Yesterday a really good friend of mine died. His name was Adam. My east coast family called me to tell me the news and it was horribly shocking. He was around my age and lived a clean lifestyle; a sweet guy, he was a dj and a piercer in Boston. If I could give anyone a gift right now it would be for him to still be alive and for them to shake his hand and meet them, as he was a memorable person.

Death is such a scary door. One that the ego is in constant attraction and repulsion to. It is natural for you to have read that last paragraph and think of your own "Adam" or perhaps, your one day role as "Adam". It is for this reason I really don't like talking about deaths that really affect me.

I often look greatly uncaring but I don't want to attach my ego or allow anyone else to attach theirs to Adam. I could talk about my grief, but what is my grief to his families grief? What is his families grief to his very loss of life? What is the best way to honor him? No one who knows me today will ever meet him, ever really know him.

I prefer to keep Adam close in my heart and try and keep my memories of him to the person they mean the most to: myself, moving forward and trying to be the type of person that Adam appreciated.